we finally meet...

Monday, February 6, 2012

Love for two...

"Will Mackenzie feel unloved, unimportant, and like she got the raw end of the deal?"  That is what I asked myself over a year ago when I found out I was pregnant with our Ember.  Mackenzie was only 14 months old when I found out I was 4 weeks along.  I knew I wanted more children so I am not quite sure why it hit me so hard.  With the news of Mackenzie, our first pregnancy, I was ecstatic!!  I called everyone, praised God, literally jumped (and then freaked out because it may hurt the baby..).  My husband and I could not contain the joy.  Sadly, I can not say the same for myself with the news of my second pregnancy, Ember.  I would later beat myself up for my reaction to the pregnancy test but on Fathers Day; June 20, 2010 at around 6:30 am, my world came crashing in around me.  I took the test on a whim.  I had taken one about a month before, after my sister found out she was pregnant with her second.  I had some symptoms but, as I thought would be the case, it tested negative.  I was relieved.  I worked full time, I had a darling little girl who had just barely turned a year and we were just starting to get our life in order.  Our marriage was healing, we were doing better with our money, or at least we had the desire to start the changes necessary,  life was good (other than the working full time and leaving my daughter so long each day which broke my heart EVERY morning).  About a month after the negative test I still had many symptoms so my sister suggested I take another one.  I tend to worry a lot and had taken many in the past, randomly, so I thought this would be negative also.  "Just in case it's not though, I think I will take it on Fathers day morning" I thought.  "That way we will never forget the special gift and memory that day unveiled!"  I honestly did not believe it would be positive.  "OH MY GOD!!!! I'm pregnant....Derrick, I'm pregnant! What are we going to do?  Look, it says its positive...we can't do this...there is no way!"  I was freaking out....No,more than that... I was out of control!  Derrick was on his way out the door to help set up for our Father's Day service at church when he heard the turmoil in my screams.  I'll never forget his face that morning.  I was laying in bed ( I seriously went back and laid down after taking the test.  That is how much I believed it would be negative), he stood in the door pain with one hand leaning against it.  His blue eyes gleamed with joy.  His reaction was what I had hoped mine would be. What it should have been.  This was a blessing, a gift from God and he was ready to take this gift in with every fiber of his being.  I was ashamed of my reaction even more when he told me "we will be just fine!  This is a blessing, God will take care of it!"  I begged him to stay and hold me as I wallowed in complete fear and worry but he stayed as long as he could and he had to leave.  So much went through my mind in the short time I had before my sister came to get me that morning. "How will we afford it? Where will we put another baby?  I can't work full time and leave two babies all day, my heart couldn't handle it." Then the real tear jerking reality hit me...."What will this do to Mackenzie?"  Mackenzie was our life.  She had every bit of our attention as soon as we both got home from work.  I thought of her every second of every day.  She was everything to me!  "She will think I don't love her!!"  Every other fear I had seemed so small once this numbing fear broke through.  For months this would bother me.  I would hold her at night as I rocked her to sleep singing " you are my ONLY sunshine". As the words came out I would cry.  I would explain to her that mommy and daddy were going to bring her a sister but that she would always be my first princess and would always have an extra special place in my heart that was unexplainable and irreplaceable!  My heart broke for her.  Would she understand ?  I did not have enough time with her...just me and her.  I worked to much, I should have said no to the overtime, I should have let her stay up later just me and her...I should have, I could have, will she, why???  So many fears, worries, honestly ...guilt.  I actually felt guilty for doing this to her.   I had gone to many other mothers I knew that also had two daughters and they all said they felt this way.  They said that when that second child comes your heart opens and creates a whole other supply of love, a completely separate love for this other child.  I would not understand this for many more months.
Their words were so helpful but this was something I was still going to have to trust God with.
Skipping forward to the future, tonight I think I finally got it.  Yes, on the day Ember Noel Stone was born I did have that spot in my heart that God created just for her.  She was and is everything I needed.  It still hurts me to think that my first reaction and my feelings for the first few months were so negative. I wish I could take it back.  Yes, Mackenzie welcomed Ember that first day in the hospital with joy and happiness to hold something so tiny.  I'll never forget how she took her gum out (something so special to Miss Mac attack) and tried to put it in hour old Embers mouth! Yes, they have had their up and downs together with each new milestone each girl reaches that brings tears and screaming and sometimes slapping!  But, today was when I cried again....this time very happy tears!  Tonight as I was cleaning the living room around my little artist Mackenzie, coloring her princesses and my very inquisitive Ember determined to walk in her flannel footy pjs,  I saw something that I want to never forget and that God allowed me to experience, I feel, as a reminder that He is the creator and finisher of all things!  As Ember was persevering through each step (footy pjs on Hardwood floors make for some difficulty on a new walker!) Mackenzie looked at her with a smile, walked over to her little sister and put her arm around her with the most proud look in her big brown eyes! It was at that time my strong, independent Ember looked up at Mackenzie with her perfectly round face and midnight blue eyes and wrapped both hands around her big sister as if to say "thank you and I love you too"!  This whole time my girls did not know I was watching ( that was of course until I broke out in tears and hugged them both!).
  Mackenzie feels loved!  Mackenzie is loved now by not only 2 people but 3!  Mackenzie feels important.  She is a big sister and the older Ember gets the more I see my Big sister see her importance in the life of her little sister!  Most of all Mackenzie did not get the raw end of the deal!  She has a friend that will walk with her through hard times.  A companion that will laugh with her through late hours of the night.  A girlfriend she can share stories with about boys and school and girls that make her furious.  She has a SISTER and in less than two days I will celebrate the day that God let me watch this adventure begin!

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