we finally meet...

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Don't ever stop...

Do you remember?  Just close your eyes and think back to it.  That feeling you had when you watched your most favorite princess movie.  You were that princess! For that moment, you sang like her, you looked like her and the Prince wanted you! You were his prized possession.  That perfect, feel-good song would come on.  You remember it! It would come on and you had to stand up and try your very best to do exactly as the princess did as she sang it.  She would walk, you would walk.  She would raise her hands in the air while her hair flowed in the wind and her long flowing dress would sway around her perfectly...your homemade creation would do the same (or at least  you thought it did)!
For me, this most memorable moment was the Little Mermaid.  She was absolutely perfect! Still is!  Come on, nothing can compare to that full red hair that never messed up in the water.  She was in love with one of the most handsome princes and most of all, she had THE BEST voice!  Oh, I can remember singing her songs over and over and doing my very best to sound just like her.  It was a goal of mine.  An obsession even, Maybe! If you were a child of the 80s and early 90s you know you would reenact that famous moment when Ariel sang "Part of your world" and lifted herself so magically on the rock in the water.  I know you are smiling now because you remember it! In the bath tub, in the pool, wherever you could do it and the water would fling up all around you making you look just like the princess that she was!
I loved every minute of those days! I've been told I was a bit (or a lot) dramatic and I am sure I was and am but there was something really special about the feeling of being something fantastic.  Being someone really special and really beautiful. Well, we all know what happens after that...we grow up. We become adults who have bill, dishes, laundry.  We get married, get a career or both.  Some of us become mommies and then some of us feel like that is all we are anymore...Mommy!  There really is not time to be Ariel, Jasmine or Cinderella anymore (unless you count Cinderella before her prince came!! ).  Somewhere in there we had to realize that was all make believe. As amazing as your love story may be, most likely it doesn't end happily ever after every day.  I know for sure that my hair doesn't look like Ariel's in the water or out and there is no more throwing myself up at the end of the bathtub while I sing "Part of your WOOORRRLLLDD".  Quite honestly, it makes a big mess of water puddle that is just one more thing I have to clean up!   
I have two girls. If you know me or have read my previous blogs you know this. Mackenzie is three weeks away from being 5 and Ember is 3 (I have an 8 month old son now too but that is for another blog).  I really don't know if you can find more girly and imaginative little girls.  They dress up almost every day.  Their daddy ended up making them a dress up station a couple of years ago because they were wearing their princess dresses more than their own clothes! They love to sing, dance and pretend.  Many days they will be several different princess and characters which causes much confusion when I am doing my best to call them by the right name at the right time.  "no mommy, Ember is not here. I am Cinderella!"  They make several wardrobe changes a day and there are many times we have informed children church staff of the name of the day for one or both! 
This week My husband and I could not wait to buy the newest Disney movie for them, Frozen ( or Frosty as they call it). With our move and having a son several months old we were never able to get to the theater to see it with them.  They knew all about the princesses of course, without seeing it.  I have no idea how they did but they did. We all sat around very excited to watch it together and yes, I was into it just as much as they were. I honestly think Disney has some crazy way of adding magic to their movies and it captures you, young or old! They laughed, they cheered and Mackenzie even cried.  They enjoyed every minute of it.  Then came the next day!  I woke up to hearing " No I am Queen Elsa!"  "No I am!"  They had already taken on the characters! This was 3 days ago and it has only become a bigger deal in our home.  We have watched the movie now at least once a day and the songs are beginning to become a little too familiar! No matter what they put on from their closet at the start of the day, they end up in their "frozen" clothes for the remainder of the day and tonight while watching the movie yet another time, instead of hearing how Elsa did this or oh no, Anna died I heard "oh no, I died" and " oh look at me, I'm so sad!" THEY were the princesses now! It is just too funny to me.  What got me though was when the famous song "Let it Go" came on. Without any hesitation, each girl got up on their feet.  They sang their hearts out with arms in the air, hair flowing in the wind and dresses swaying...Just like I used to. It was a site all too familiar. I watched them with tears in my eyes admiring every second of a memory being made in front of me that I knew would last a lifetime because I made that same memory many years before. I too stood there next to my sister with all the dreams in the world of a beautiful fairy tale one day.  As the song ended my heart grew sad though. I realized that they too one day would have to realize it was all make believe.  There is no fairy tale. Just life and heartaches.  Yes, many wonderful memories to be made and hopefully a wonderful husband with beautiful children awaited them in their future but not the same as being a princess that sang and twirled and just had all the cares in the world lifted off of her!  
While doing dishes later after my princesses drifted off to sleep, God brought this back in my heart.  I was reminded of the way He sees my life.  I was reminded, there is a fairy tale awaiting me.  This isn't the end! I am a princess of the one true King.  The only King who rules EVERYTHING!   I have a Prince who is waiting to take me as His bride! A perfect Prince who can not disappoint.  No Disney fairy tale can compare to what the Bible says about my future in Heaven.  We can't even comprehend it.  So, while they are still young and their little minds and eyes are still dreaming up all the possibilities, I can use this time to lead them to falling in love with the Ultimate Prince, lead them to finding out more about the most fantastic Romance!  I can show them and lead them by example.  "In this life you will have trouble but do not lose heart, I have overcome the world." That is my Prince! Think about it. No Disney Prince Overcame the WHOLE WORLD! No Prince died for every sin the princess ever committed; past, present or future.  No Prince ever gave eternal life.  Mine did! Why then am I not twirling and singing? Why did I stop?  I have a prince, I have a hope, a dream that is being molded and shaped and revealed every day.  Where did my passion go? He never lost His Passion for me.  Wow, just wow!  So, tomorrow I will wake up a princess once again....Let the singing and dancing begin!

Thursday, March 1, 2012

What I learn from my girls...

Isn't it crazy how God can take what a 1 year old does and teach us something really insightful...or slap us in the face! I find this to be true all too often.  My daughters are very impatient.  Of course most children are!  "I watch Strawberry shortcake...Mama, I watch Strawberry Shortcake...MAMA I WATCH STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE!!!"  It goes on all day with various demands.  As if that is not enough, I have Ember with her famous "GGGRRRR!!  Gaga Mama Dadadadada GGGGRRRRR!!!"  In the end I explain, "Mackenzie what do you say?....Mackenzie....say please??"  "Yeah, Please!"  It is pretty comical, but some days I feel like the demands are so great and I would like to just say no to all of them just because and can!  Yesterday afternoon was no exception.  Both girls wanted juice, which happens very often in a typical day.  I heard the adorable little voice "mama, Juice?"  So I finish what I am doing and in the time it took me to finish I heard it probably 3 more times.  Walking to the kitchen, Ember decides she wants in on it so I continue while an animal is hanging from my pant leg, growling with anticipation.  What made me laugh was the fact that Mac was getting more and more heated; very concerned that although I had promised her I was getting her juice and I had never just completely ignored her in the past, I was not going to give her this request that she was asking.  That somehow I had forgotten even though I was in the kitchen, with the cup in my hand and juice out of the fridge!  I laughed but also was so frustrated at the impatience!  Ember still hanging and whaling with huge tears falling like someone had cut a limb from her body and left her to die, Mackenzie saying "Mamma JUICE"  Over and over and over never relenting and in a panic I felt a small voice in me say "they sound like you in your relationship with Me!"  What??  No way, they are acting foolish!  I am in the middle of taking care of their need and they are still complaining and yelling at me....OH, never mind!  Pretty embarrassing but so true.  Wow, so often in my life and in my prayers I need something so bad.  Its not always material things and most the time it is something I know God wants for me but I don't see it happening and I start to panic.  Maybe he is not hearing me.  Maybe I did not ask enough.  Maybe He did not understand what I was asking.  "God, please get us back on track with our finances. God, please give my husband a job he can be proud of and that will fulfill his dreams.  Father, please answer this...answer that."  While I'm Saying "please, please please" He is in the middle of making it happen but I am so caught up in what I want and what I need that I can't even see what He is working on!  Oh it is obvious sometimes.  Just like the cup in my hand and the juice on the counter, He is laying out all of the steps but I am so blinded by my worry, panic and fears.  "Be still and know..." He tells me.  What a calming Father He is!  Thank you for another lesson from my sweet gifts of joy!

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Too tired to be inspired...

Lately I have come to my blog, looked at it, typed a few words...and closed it.  I have lacked the inspiration, the energy and the desire to talk about my day, my heart and my passions.  I have said yes to too much, have packed my days so full of ways to help provide for our family that I have lost the ability to function when I am with my family!  There has to be a balance somewhere.  I know that God has given me so many opportunities but this weekend I just spent time with my family, my beautiful, lovely and full of life little princesses and so far I am loving it ( there is still Sunday!).  Today we got all dressed up to spend a night out with Aunt Loren and Danny who are in town rarely ( of course Uncle Adam, Aunt Jessica and the gang were there and a surprise visit from our good friends Nate and Kirby). They bought Mackenzie a bag full of princess and Tinkerbell Jewelry and she loved that of course.  She was so excited to see her Aunt Loren and talked about nothing else all morning as we prepared to spend the day with her.
She shopped till she dropped.  In Forever 21 she made a huge scene as she found hats, purses, sparkly necklaces and bracelets and covered her body with them!  Everyone looked at her and smiled with kind comments!  At first I thought I should stop her, thinking of all the work it would take to put it back up but then the thought came....why?  Why make her put it up.  She was embracing life, making beauty out of her Saturday evening and enjoying her reflection in every shiny mirror.  Let her live and live through her passion!
 Later she got cotton candy and was so kind to share with all of us in the car.  It was such a joy to watch her embracing her life full of laughter and smiles.  Where is my smile, my embrace and joy?  I have let myself become full of stress and when I actually get a free moment with just me and my girls I have to spend it trying to make my home livable again from the chaos!  I am so grateful for every oportunity but next week I choose life again!  I am a stay at home mom because I want to cherish these moments with my girls and not hand them over to someone else to live these moments with them.  Of course Life goes on and I must continue to help provide but when I am home with my girls I will cherish the time we get alone.  I will find more time to give to my girls and remember my number one passion in my life.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Celebration of Ember Noel

On Tuesday my baby girl turned one year old...ONE YEAR!  Where does the time go and why does it seem I have to ask that at least once a week!  Isn't that something your grandma has to ask as she pinches your cheek and tells you you have grown at least 5 inches since she saw you last?  No, now I am there where I ask myself as I watch my girls literally change daily in front of my eyes and I wonder,  how does it seem that I am sitting in this tornado of time and everything is swirling in front of me?  I grab out as I see memories I want to hold on to and pull it from the debris in front of me as the rest of "life" is caught in the majestic winds and thrown to a place I can never find them again. This week I have been so emotional as I remember that day, February 7, 2011.  It all started at 12:30 AM.  I hadn't fully fallen asleep yet and I knew what I was starting to feel was contractions...maybe it's just braxton hicks, I'm still three weeks out from my due date!  After about 20 minutes of keeping up with each one I leaned over to Derrick and said "this might be it".  He had been telling me all week that he felt our little girl would be born that week and I thought he was crazy! I still had too much to do and other than being extra cranky there was no need to think our nameless girl would be here that early.  I say nameless because we both had not decided yet on a name for our gymnast! Well maybe I should say I had not decided on a name! I loved the name Madison Brooke or Savannah Brook.  Derrick on the other hand had been set on Ember from the beginning.  "Ember?  They'll call her Amber all of the time and we will all be correcting people for the rest of her life." I said.   We told everyone that we were not releasing the name we chose until the day she was born, how clever, right?!?!  Truth is, we had no idea what her name was! After almost an hour of contractions less than 5 minutes apart Derrick insisted he take me to the hospital.  I was completely against it!  My sister was supposed to be induced that day...this had been planned for was here for her...this was her and Norah's day!  I remember sitting at the end of my bed in tears partly because of the pain, somewhat because of the reality of it all, but mostly because I hated the timing for my sister.  There was no stopping this though, it was happening!  Many things happened in between the next 12 hours that I wont bore you with but believe me, none of it was boring to us!  This was happening, and FAST!  To summarize it briefly....we went to the hospital and were put in the triage room, sent home since I lived so close because it was going slowly they thought and we all felt I would be comfortable in my own home, go back to the hospital about an hour and a half later because my water broke ( that was fun!), put in a room, conversations back and forth from my sisters hospital room she would deliver in about 20 minutes away from me, I get to an 8 and decide to take the nurse up on the stadol she offered, dreamed about pink cupcakes and toy story for about an hour....I'M FEELING IT!!  I wake up from my calming and tranquil stadol rush and I realize I'm feeling a lot of pressure.  I tell the nurse, she gets a team in to check me out and she is amazed..."Yup, it's time to push!"  It all went so fast but I am so thankful she gave me the courage to do this without an epidural.  It was quick, painful and beautiful!  Only a mother can understand this.  At 12:29 in the afternoon our "fiery one" as the nurse had called her was born!  The nurse had said she was fiery because of the way she was determined to come out!  During contractions it was almost as if she was jumping on a trampoline inside of me and I will never forget the strength she had almost the whole nine months I gave her room and board in my very disturbed uterus!  As soon as the nurse said that I knew what her name would be.  As they handed her to me they said " congratulations, what is her name?"  "Ember Noel" I said.  It was perfect, it was her and she was amazing!  She had a perfectly shaped head.  Odd to notice,  I know but that was one of the first things I saw.  I remember thinking how perfectly tiny her little head was...THANK YOU GOD!  She was 6 lb. 7oz and 19 in. Long.  Pretty good for being three weeks early!  Perfect toes, a strong cry, long skinny toes ( that would change!) and mommy's big mouth!  Another perfectly healthy, beautiful and fabulous miracle.  Many people came to see her while we were in the hospital which meant so much to us.  When our oldest was born only my sister and brother in law could make it mainly because family had all came down to see her when we called to announce I was in labor....48 + hours later she was born and everyone had either gone home or could not come down at that point! (3 years later I see how that was totally Mac's style!)  But, Ember was loved and felt it from that first hour.  Daddy was there through it all and was completely in love, G-bo was able to see her from her first minute also and then had to rush for the next grand baby! Many friends from church, family, everyone full of excitement to meet this little treasure that chose to join our lives early and 2 exact hours before her cousin I might add! Yes, Ember was ready...but I can't help to think that more than anything God was ready.  Now hear my out on this.  I know, of course God was ready or none of this would have happened in it's timing...but, I'm very visual and sometimes my imagination runs away with me.  As I hold my sweet daughter sometimes I like to think about how it may have gone before she came into my arms.  I think God knew how "fiery" she was and he told her that morning at 12:00 "ok my sweet child , it's time!  The world needs you now.  You are full of energy, spunk, power and I need your light to shine. I have huge plans for you and they just can't wait.  Your mommy has been praying for almost two years to stay home with your sister and you are an answer to that prayer.  There is no need to keep her waiting.  Lets do this...lets amaze this world with what I created! "  The other night I shared this with her...I know if she could understand me she may think I was nuts but I cant help but think of the amazing plans God has for her life!  I have never seen a child more alert, more aware, more ready!!  Smiling in pictures the 2nd day of life
Astonishing her teachers already before she was even a year old, walking at 11 months!  This girl's is going places and just like the day she was born no one is stopping her!  Ember is full of life, full of fire! Everyone who knows her has already been touched by her smile and joy in some way.  I am so blessed to be given this miracle to hold and love and train.  Some days I feel so inadequate, so lost, so unfit for this job.  It is in those times she welcomes me each morning with a HUGE smile and a strong gripping hug.  Her happiness is contagious and her energy fills our home with giggles and ear reaching smiles.  I am blessed to be given such an important job. Mom is the greatest name I will ever know!

Today we celebrated Ember and Norah's (Ember's cousin) birthday!  It was so much fun and she enjoyed every bit of it, especially showing off her new walking skills!
She was given so many great gifts and even though she had other places to go and things to see, which is so typical for Ember, she stuck around to see what she got!
Cake time was fun, as at any 1st birthday party, but I truly enjoyed seeing the strategy she chose in consuming such a sugary substance!  
She began with her hands in the full cake but as she realized there were fruit loops around it I saw her clever wheels turning and she chose to eat each one individually!
Cousin Norah also was interested in her fruit loops ...
And once again, something that so much love, time and manual labor went into to make a beautiful creation ....was destroyed in minutes...
And so worth it!!  I could not have asked for a better first birthday party for my angel.  She is tremendously loved and today I enjoyed watching that love all around her.  
I knew the party was a success by her reaction on our way home!

To our growling, fiery animal, Ember Noel, thank you for the best year of your mommy's life.  Being home with you and your sister this year has been a dream come true.  Watching you learn so many things has been a treat! Holding you while you sleep (cause you can't sit still any other time!) and watching every feature of your sweet face makes me cry each time and thank God for making you and choosing me to give you a special life here on earth.  Your eyes will always fill my heart with wonder and your smile will always fill my days with sunshine.  You are a firework....Don't ever stop filling peoples life with your joy and light!  I love you!

Monday, February 6, 2012

Love for two...

"Will Mackenzie feel unloved, unimportant, and like she got the raw end of the deal?"  That is what I asked myself over a year ago when I found out I was pregnant with our Ember.  Mackenzie was only 14 months old when I found out I was 4 weeks along.  I knew I wanted more children so I am not quite sure why it hit me so hard.  With the news of Mackenzie, our first pregnancy, I was ecstatic!!  I called everyone, praised God, literally jumped (and then freaked out because it may hurt the baby..).  My husband and I could not contain the joy.  Sadly, I can not say the same for myself with the news of my second pregnancy, Ember.  I would later beat myself up for my reaction to the pregnancy test but on Fathers Day; June 20, 2010 at around 6:30 am, my world came crashing in around me.  I took the test on a whim.  I had taken one about a month before, after my sister found out she was pregnant with her second.  I had some symptoms but, as I thought would be the case, it tested negative.  I was relieved.  I worked full time, I had a darling little girl who had just barely turned a year and we were just starting to get our life in order.  Our marriage was healing, we were doing better with our money, or at least we had the desire to start the changes necessary,  life was good (other than the working full time and leaving my daughter so long each day which broke my heart EVERY morning).  About a month after the negative test I still had many symptoms so my sister suggested I take another one.  I tend to worry a lot and had taken many in the past, randomly, so I thought this would be negative also.  "Just in case it's not though, I think I will take it on Fathers day morning" I thought.  "That way we will never forget the special gift and memory that day unveiled!"  I honestly did not believe it would be positive.  "OH MY GOD!!!! I'm pregnant....Derrick, I'm pregnant! What are we going to do?  Look, it says its positive...we can't do this...there is no way!"  I was freaking out....No,more than that... I was out of control!  Derrick was on his way out the door to help set up for our Father's Day service at church when he heard the turmoil in my screams.  I'll never forget his face that morning.  I was laying in bed ( I seriously went back and laid down after taking the test.  That is how much I believed it would be negative), he stood in the door pain with one hand leaning against it.  His blue eyes gleamed with joy.  His reaction was what I had hoped mine would be. What it should have been.  This was a blessing, a gift from God and he was ready to take this gift in with every fiber of his being.  I was ashamed of my reaction even more when he told me "we will be just fine!  This is a blessing, God will take care of it!"  I begged him to stay and hold me as I wallowed in complete fear and worry but he stayed as long as he could and he had to leave.  So much went through my mind in the short time I had before my sister came to get me that morning. "How will we afford it? Where will we put another baby?  I can't work full time and leave two babies all day, my heart couldn't handle it." Then the real tear jerking reality hit me...."What will this do to Mackenzie?"  Mackenzie was our life.  She had every bit of our attention as soon as we both got home from work.  I thought of her every second of every day.  She was everything to me!  "She will think I don't love her!!"  Every other fear I had seemed so small once this numbing fear broke through.  For months this would bother me.  I would hold her at night as I rocked her to sleep singing " you are my ONLY sunshine". As the words came out I would cry.  I would explain to her that mommy and daddy were going to bring her a sister but that she would always be my first princess and would always have an extra special place in my heart that was unexplainable and irreplaceable!  My heart broke for her.  Would she understand ?  I did not have enough time with her...just me and her.  I worked to much, I should have said no to the overtime, I should have let her stay up later just me and her...I should have, I could have, will she, why???  So many fears, worries, honestly ...guilt.  I actually felt guilty for doing this to her.   I had gone to many other mothers I knew that also had two daughters and they all said they felt this way.  They said that when that second child comes your heart opens and creates a whole other supply of love, a completely separate love for this other child.  I would not understand this for many more months.
Their words were so helpful but this was something I was still going to have to trust God with.
Skipping forward to the future, tonight I think I finally got it.  Yes, on the day Ember Noel Stone was born I did have that spot in my heart that God created just for her.  She was and is everything I needed.  It still hurts me to think that my first reaction and my feelings for the first few months were so negative. I wish I could take it back.  Yes, Mackenzie welcomed Ember that first day in the hospital with joy and happiness to hold something so tiny.  I'll never forget how she took her gum out (something so special to Miss Mac attack) and tried to put it in hour old Embers mouth! Yes, they have had their up and downs together with each new milestone each girl reaches that brings tears and screaming and sometimes slapping!  But, today was when I cried again....this time very happy tears!  Tonight as I was cleaning the living room around my little artist Mackenzie, coloring her princesses and my very inquisitive Ember determined to walk in her flannel footy pjs,  I saw something that I want to never forget and that God allowed me to experience, I feel, as a reminder that He is the creator and finisher of all things!  As Ember was persevering through each step (footy pjs on Hardwood floors make for some difficulty on a new walker!) Mackenzie looked at her with a smile, walked over to her little sister and put her arm around her with the most proud look in her big brown eyes! It was at that time my strong, independent Ember looked up at Mackenzie with her perfectly round face and midnight blue eyes and wrapped both hands around her big sister as if to say "thank you and I love you too"!  This whole time my girls did not know I was watching ( that was of course until I broke out in tears and hugged them both!).
  Mackenzie feels loved!  Mackenzie is loved now by not only 2 people but 3!  Mackenzie feels important.  She is a big sister and the older Ember gets the more I see my Big sister see her importance in the life of her little sister!  Most of all Mackenzie did not get the raw end of the deal!  She has a friend that will walk with her through hard times.  A companion that will laugh with her through late hours of the night.  A girlfriend she can share stories with about boys and school and girls that make her furious.  She has a SISTER and in less than two days I will celebrate the day that God let me watch this adventure begin!

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Sister, sister

For 25 years now I have had a best friend.  In our lifetimes we are not always lucky enough to have a good friend let alone a best friend.  My little sister has been just that.  I could write all evening about all of the love I have for her and how full my heart is with respect, thankfulness, excitement and pride toward the amazing woman she has become, but that is not where I feel led tonight to go with this blog.  Tonight I just want to talk about how much fun I had with her today.  The most fun I have had all year!!She took me shopping for my birthday, took me to lunch at California Pizza Kitchen (or "CPK" as she calls it) and made me laugh the whole time.  No one can make me laugh more than that girl.  Her humor is so contagious and the fact that all we have to do is give each other that "look" and we both can not contain the laughter !  The food was amazing and full of garlic deliciousness (that is still going! lol).  I got the cutest clothes...well anything is cute considering I have not shopped for at least a year!   We were able to get the party plates and some details taken care of at Target for Norah and Ember's 1st birthday party.    Basically all around an amazing day.  In the end I told her I just wished she could spend the night!  Boy do I miss going home with her and continuing the laughter!  I am so thankful for this woman in my life and for the memories we have made together...God only knows what's in our future!

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Do over...

Have you ever got to about 10 AM and thought " I want a do over"?! I don't even know why I am asking this. Of course you have!  I'm sure most of the people who read my blog are mothers or wives and let's face it, we feel this way often.  This week I have had that feeling and said those words more often than I would hope to.  I mean I know that I'm not going to get it right every day. Mama said "they'll be days like this", right?!?  But why do they leave me feeling so helpless inside.  On these days I feel the silly little child in me come out with her arms crossed, head hanging and eyes puffy with tears.  Part of me is mad. "Come on God, just when things were going according to MY plans and then you through me a curve ball??"  There is another part of me that is frustrated.  "Really Mackenzie??  How many times are you going to ask 'What's that Momma?' You know it is Tinkerbell!!"  I just want to grab my blanket and my pillow and lock the door and pretend there is no one on the other side of the door banging and saying " more juice momma, go potty momma, what's that momma!"  Of course there is the main emotion I think us as women know all too well on days like these.  That would be that begrudge feeling of guilt.  As I am yelling at both of my precious, innocent girls (yes yelling!) one more time it hits me.  What am I doing?  I only have 2 more hours of my day with them and what have I spent it doing? It began with the growl at Mackenzie when she came in too early asking to go potty, the total grief I gave my hard working husband when he came in with news that didn't quite fit the plan I had in mind, the constant disgust I built up against my dirty hardwood floors that yelled "clean me" every step I took (I may have imagined that one up on my own).  Oh and lets not forget the time spent feeling sorry for myself because I had to scarf down my leftover pizza and the many other things I let the devil plant in my mind about my life and circumstances. On days like these I spend too much time on my phone playing on p interest, checking Facebook or trying to feel important on Instagram.  It was at 6:30 tonight that I realized " I will never get this day back with my girls, with my husband, with myself....with God"! As I finished dinner we ate and then I joined my hyperactive girls on the living room floor; one with a split lip because she decided to jump out of her crib cause shes just that crazy, and the other with her Snow white song twirling off of her tongue and heart, and we just played.  Yes, the kitchen was a MESS, all the food was still out.  They were not dressed for bed yet and Mac really needed a bath but we still just played.  I let them climb all over me, I giggled at pointless things, I was their human amusement park.  They loved that last hour! I loved that last hour!  I will still never get the first 3/4 of my day back, I can't get back the times today I raised my voice in instances that were not stress worthy.  Of course my floors are still dirty and even though we discussed it and I apologized my husband can not wipe from his mind my unsupportive attitude towards him that I had this morning, but somehow after letting go for the last hour of the girls evening and choosing to embrace their little giggles and wiggling toes that all too soon will be spent with someone other than me on a Thursday night, I feel so much more complete.  I am not a perfect mother, I can never begin to be a wife suitable to give advice on how this thing called love and marriage works, and please, know that my relationship with God is an ever growing process, but I'm working on it and to my family, my God and myself I think that's what makes all the difference. So, the answer to my do-over can not come true but I go to bed with a happy heart and a family full of love!