we finally meet...

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Do over...

Have you ever got to about 10 AM and thought " I want a do over"?! I don't even know why I am asking this. Of course you have!  I'm sure most of the people who read my blog are mothers or wives and let's face it, we feel this way often.  This week I have had that feeling and said those words more often than I would hope to.  I mean I know that I'm not going to get it right every day. Mama said "they'll be days like this", right?!?  But why do they leave me feeling so helpless inside.  On these days I feel the silly little child in me come out with her arms crossed, head hanging and eyes puffy with tears.  Part of me is mad. "Come on God, just when things were going according to MY plans and then you through me a curve ball??"  There is another part of me that is frustrated.  "Really Mackenzie??  How many times are you going to ask 'What's that Momma?' You know it is Tinkerbell!!"  I just want to grab my blanket and my pillow and lock the door and pretend there is no one on the other side of the door banging and saying " more juice momma, go potty momma, what's that momma!"  Of course there is the main emotion I think us as women know all too well on days like these.  That would be that begrudge feeling of guilt.  As I am yelling at both of my precious, innocent girls (yes yelling!) one more time it hits me.  What am I doing?  I only have 2 more hours of my day with them and what have I spent it doing? It began with the growl at Mackenzie when she came in too early asking to go potty, the total grief I gave my hard working husband when he came in with news that didn't quite fit the plan I had in mind, the constant disgust I built up against my dirty hardwood floors that yelled "clean me" every step I took (I may have imagined that one up on my own).  Oh and lets not forget the time spent feeling sorry for myself because I had to scarf down my leftover pizza and the many other things I let the devil plant in my mind about my life and circumstances. On days like these I spend too much time on my phone playing on p interest, checking Facebook or trying to feel important on Instagram.  It was at 6:30 tonight that I realized " I will never get this day back with my girls, with my husband, with myself....with God"! As I finished dinner we ate and then I joined my hyperactive girls on the living room floor; one with a split lip because she decided to jump out of her crib cause shes just that crazy, and the other with her Snow white song twirling off of her tongue and heart, and we just played.  Yes, the kitchen was a MESS, all the food was still out.  They were not dressed for bed yet and Mac really needed a bath but we still just played.  I let them climb all over me, I giggled at pointless things, I was their human amusement park.  They loved that last hour! I loved that last hour!  I will still never get the first 3/4 of my day back, I can't get back the times today I raised my voice in instances that were not stress worthy.  Of course my floors are still dirty and even though we discussed it and I apologized my husband can not wipe from his mind my unsupportive attitude towards him that I had this morning, but somehow after letting go for the last hour of the girls evening and choosing to embrace their little giggles and wiggling toes that all too soon will be spent with someone other than me on a Thursday night, I feel so much more complete.  I am not a perfect mother, I can never begin to be a wife suitable to give advice on how this thing called love and marriage works, and please, know that my relationship with God is an ever growing process, but I'm working on it and to my family, my God and myself I think that's what makes all the difference. So, the answer to my do-over can not come true but I go to bed with a happy heart and a family full of love!

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